Cop Kids
Everyone knows that life can be hard when you are a military kid. You have to move a decent amount, your military parents is gone for long periods of time, it is confusing and frustrating at best. But something most people forget, myself included until recently, is that cop kids have a rough go of it as well.
I knew what I was signing up for when I married Skip, who was already a cop at that point. Long hours, missed holidays, dangerous work, worrying all the time would all become second nature to me. I knew it would affect our kids as well, but I really didn't think about the details and all the day-to-day stuff.
When we first had Little M, she was far too little to understand Skip's job or everything that comes along with it. That's the stage Baby C is at now, but as Little M grows, she's starting to get frustrated with the situation.
As I mentioned in a previous post, Skip had to work a lot over Easter weekend. The hardest shift was working Easter morning and missing out on the basket-opening and taking the girls to mass. It was the first time he would miss a critical part of the holiday that Little M would be aware of. My heart ached for them both.
Actual Easter weekend turned out to be pretty good though. Little M didn't keep asking about Skip or why he wasn't there, so I thought we were good.
But in the past few weeks, Little M is definitely acting a little stranger around Skip. She only wants me to put her down for her nap or to bed at night. So only wants me to help her in the bathroom or to give her a bath or to help her get changed. She'll resist more when Skip is disciplining her, more than she does with me. She'll play with him and go out and run errands willingly, but there is definitely a change.
It breaks my heart to see it, for both her and Skip. He knows that she just can't articulate her feelings enough yet to say that she doesn't understand why he has to go to work, that's she's missing him when he's gone, but it still stings him. It's hard for Skip, who has been SUCH a hands-on dad since the moment Little M was born, to have her push him away.
It's hard on my little girl as well. Even when I try and explain, she doesn't quite understand that Skip HAS to work, even when he would much rather be home with all of us. Our trip to Florida confused her as well. In her mind, why was he with us so much then, and not now? The fact that he works shift work doesn't help either.
But the worst thing about all of this, is that I know it will only get worse as the years go on. Sure the girls will then be able to understand that he has to leave and would much rather be with us, but when they are older they will also understand the danger more. They'll know that he might not always be safe. And what do you say to that? I can't promise them he will be okay, because Skip can't make that promise to me. The thought of ever losing my husband is overwhelmingly horrific. But the girls not having their dad one day? Makes me never want to get out of bed.
But we cop wives know you can't live your life that way. We get up, go about our day, and pretend our husband's are sitting safely in an office somewhere {whatever helps us survive right?}. I guess our kids will just have to learn to do the same. We will have our rough patches I'm sure, but we'll just adjust our expectations, take a step back, and figure it out together. And at the end of the day the pride I have for Skip and his career, the pride the girls will soon have, always outweighs the worry and frustrations.
All you veteran cop wives...what tips and tricks can you share with me for helping your kids through all of us?
I knew what I was signing up for when I married Skip, who was already a cop at that point. Long hours, missed holidays, dangerous work, worrying all the time would all become second nature to me. I knew it would affect our kids as well, but I really didn't think about the details and all the day-to-day stuff.
When we first had Little M, she was far too little to understand Skip's job or everything that comes along with it. That's the stage Baby C is at now, but as Little M grows, she's starting to get frustrated with the situation.
As I mentioned in a previous post, Skip had to work a lot over Easter weekend. The hardest shift was working Easter morning and missing out on the basket-opening and taking the girls to mass. It was the first time he would miss a critical part of the holiday that Little M would be aware of. My heart ached for them both.
Actual Easter weekend turned out to be pretty good though. Little M didn't keep asking about Skip or why he wasn't there, so I thought we were good.
But in the past few weeks, Little M is definitely acting a little stranger around Skip. She only wants me to put her down for her nap or to bed at night. So only wants me to help her in the bathroom or to give her a bath or to help her get changed. She'll resist more when Skip is disciplining her, more than she does with me. She'll play with him and go out and run errands willingly, but there is definitely a change.
It breaks my heart to see it, for both her and Skip. He knows that she just can't articulate her feelings enough yet to say that she doesn't understand why he has to go to work, that's she's missing him when he's gone, but it still stings him. It's hard for Skip, who has been SUCH a hands-on dad since the moment Little M was born, to have her push him away.
It's hard on my little girl as well. Even when I try and explain, she doesn't quite understand that Skip HAS to work, even when he would much rather be home with all of us. Our trip to Florida confused her as well. In her mind, why was he with us so much then, and not now? The fact that he works shift work doesn't help either.
But the worst thing about all of this, is that I know it will only get worse as the years go on. Sure the girls will then be able to understand that he has to leave and would much rather be with us, but when they are older they will also understand the danger more. They'll know that he might not always be safe. And what do you say to that? I can't promise them he will be okay, because Skip can't make that promise to me. The thought of ever losing my husband is overwhelmingly horrific. But the girls not having their dad one day? Makes me never want to get out of bed.
But we cop wives know you can't live your life that way. We get up, go about our day, and pretend our husband's are sitting safely in an office somewhere {whatever helps us survive right?}. I guess our kids will just have to learn to do the same. We will have our rough patches I'm sure, but we'll just adjust our expectations, take a step back, and figure it out together. And at the end of the day the pride I have for Skip and his career, the pride the girls will soon have, always outweighs the worry and frustrations.
All you veteran cop wives...what tips and tricks can you share with me for helping your kids through all of us?
This is all so true! My hubs has been in LE for many years. This is what my kids have grown to know. We have made different decisions about life because he is in LE and we know we want to make it the best for them.
ReplyDeleteSome things that I always try to remember. I want to never say anything negative about the hubs work, job, schedule, etc in front of my kids. Even in general conversation. I am amazed at what they tend to pick up on. The time we spend with our kids when he is not working is so very important. I tend to drop everything and put all my time and effort into our family time. (Some days this is not the best choice, but I feel it is worth it.) Each holiday and birthday doesn't have to be celebrated that day. Sometimes we have birthday weeks! Sometimes we celebrate at 7 am or 8pm. In our family I emphasize how important Daddy's job is. How amazing all the people are that work with daddy and give up time with their families too. I try to make sure my kids understand that it isn't just their daddy that has a crazy schedule. Okay, I am rambling a lot sorry! I would love to connect more. I have a page on FB its called Sisters of the Shield. Look it up, and say hi! We are a support group for the wives and significant others behind the shield! Much love! Love your blog!
I may not be a cop wife, but I was a cop kid. My dad worked shift work a lot when I was younger, 6 and under. It sucked not having home for certain events or having to wait for him to get home for me to open my gifts from Santa. Then again I thought that was the norm for everyone.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was six, my dad moved to the Criminal Investigations Divison, so he had a more normal schedule. Until something would happen, it wasn't unusual for him to get a phone call as soon as we sat down to dinner that something had happened and they needed him on the scene. I don't know which was worse for my mom, knowing his schedule, but having him gone because of shift work or having him home, but him leaving at a moments notice because he was needed somewhere else.
Even though I felt he was safer then, we still had a scare when I was in middle school when he was the investigator on a high profile murder trial.
Another thing I hated at the time, but looking back I am glad.. everyone at my school knew my dad was a cop so I was always given the goody goody label (which I was), I couldn't get in trouble, because every cop in the county knew me or my last name. It did get me out of a few tickets though! :)
This is a great and very honest post. 5ohBaby is just at the age where she walks around the house looking for 5ohHubby and calling out for him. It's so weird and, like you said, I know it's only going to get harder with the years. I'm interested to hear what other veteran mothers say.
ReplyDelete