It's About Parenting, Not Parenting Style
I'm a Mommy Blogger. Most of the blogs I follow are Mommy Bloggers. So alot of the posts I read have to do with different parenting styles. And I always find it interesting to see how other people raise their children. Different parts of the country, how you were brought up, career paths, all seem to contribute to the decisions parents make on how to raise their children.
I want you to know, that I honestly do not judge people on how they raise their kids. Unless it is putting your child in danger, it's none of my business. It is ROUGH to be a parent and raise these tiny humans, and i is not my place to butt into your lives.
That being said, I have made several observations about the blog world. Maybe it's just the blogs I read, but I mostly see parents describing the 'attachment parenting' style. Most parents who fall under that category breastfeed, cloth diaper, co-sleep, baby wear, and make their own baby food. And the one common thing I hear from these parents is how wonderfully adjusted their children are and how fulfilling their personal lives are, because of this parenting style. I'm sure that is true. From what they share on their blogs, none of their children are screaming, fitful, terrors 100% of the time. So I believe what they say.
But what about the rest of us. Those of us with a different parenting style? Where are the posts about how wonderful our kids are, how fulfilling our lives are, because of our parenting style?
- I breastfed my babies for just a little while, but they were and are mainly formula fed
- My girls slept in a crib, in their own rooms, since the night they came home from the hospital
- I use disposable diapers
- I bought and will buy baby food in a jar
- I baby wear when convenient and use a stroller when convenient
- My kid watches TV and plays on the computer
- Little M still has a pacifier at night and I have no real plans to take it away
- I didn't attempt to potty train my kid before she was 2 1/2 and the potty stays in the bathroom only
- We use time-out for punishment
- I will not, nor will anyone else, ever spank or lay a hand on my kids
- We are only having two kids
- I don't really use organic anything
- My kid drinks juice and whole milk {just M not the baby}
- I don't sweat it if she doesn't eat a wide variety of foods yet
- I am very overprotective and picky about who gets to watch my kids
- No one but my parents have ever driven them anywhere
- I do make sure to get out of the house almost every single day and do something for myself...I think it makes me a better mom
- Skip and I make sure to go on dates and have time for just each other
- I don't use special detergent
- Unless a toy was in one of my dogs' mouths, I don't wash them
- We dance around as a family alot
- Little M's favorite food is 'chocolate candies' but I won't let her have a drop of soda
- We stick to a strict schedule. I won't take my kids out at night if it's past their bedtime. It's not fair to them or others around us
- If they scream in a store I just leave
- Hugs and kisses are given out freely
So that's my parenting style. I don't think there's an actual term that encompasses all that, but I like it better that way. It's not about being defined by a label, it's about doing what's best for YOUR kids and not judging anyone else's choices. You know what? My girls both sleep 12 hours straight a night. They nap pretty regularly. They are happy, healthy, developmentally on-track, thriving little girls. It's not a parenting style that makes well adjusted kids, it's just being good parents.
I think as parents we all need to stand up and be proud of how we raise our kids. It's a tough job and we should all stick together, not tear each other down. So how do you parent?
I want you to know, that I honestly do not judge people on how they raise their kids. Unless it is putting your child in danger, it's none of my business. It is ROUGH to be a parent and raise these tiny humans, and i is not my place to butt into your lives.
That being said, I have made several observations about the blog world. Maybe it's just the blogs I read, but I mostly see parents describing the 'attachment parenting' style. Most parents who fall under that category breastfeed, cloth diaper, co-sleep, baby wear, and make their own baby food. And the one common thing I hear from these parents is how wonderfully adjusted their children are and how fulfilling their personal lives are, because of this parenting style. I'm sure that is true. From what they share on their blogs, none of their children are screaming, fitful, terrors 100% of the time. So I believe what they say.
But what about the rest of us. Those of us with a different parenting style? Where are the posts about how wonderful our kids are, how fulfilling our lives are, because of our parenting style?
- I breastfed my babies for just a little while, but they were and are mainly formula fed
- My girls slept in a crib, in their own rooms, since the night they came home from the hospital
- I use disposable diapers
- I bought and will buy baby food in a jar
- I baby wear when convenient and use a stroller when convenient
- My kid watches TV and plays on the computer
- Little M still has a pacifier at night and I have no real plans to take it away
- I didn't attempt to potty train my kid before she was 2 1/2 and the potty stays in the bathroom only
- We use time-out for punishment
- I will not, nor will anyone else, ever spank or lay a hand on my kids
- We are only having two kids
- I don't really use organic anything
- My kid drinks juice and whole milk {just M not the baby}
- I don't sweat it if she doesn't eat a wide variety of foods yet
- I am very overprotective and picky about who gets to watch my kids
- No one but my parents have ever driven them anywhere
- I do make sure to get out of the house almost every single day and do something for myself...I think it makes me a better mom
- Skip and I make sure to go on dates and have time for just each other
- I don't use special detergent
- Unless a toy was in one of my dogs' mouths, I don't wash them
- We dance around as a family alot
- Little M's favorite food is 'chocolate candies' but I won't let her have a drop of soda
- We stick to a strict schedule. I won't take my kids out at night if it's past their bedtime. It's not fair to them or others around us
- If they scream in a store I just leave
- Hugs and kisses are given out freely
So that's my parenting style. I don't think there's an actual term that encompasses all that, but I like it better that way. It's not about being defined by a label, it's about doing what's best for YOUR kids and not judging anyone else's choices. You know what? My girls both sleep 12 hours straight a night. They nap pretty regularly. They are happy, healthy, developmentally on-track, thriving little girls. It's not a parenting style that makes well adjusted kids, it's just being good parents.
I think as parents we all need to stand up and be proud of how we raise our kids. It's a tough job and we should all stick together, not tear each other down. So how do you parent?
Amen! Well said. It's not a competition. But this is not new, I experienced this over 30 years ago when I was raising 3 daughters. It's the same with some people and their religion. There is no one perfect way to parent, or one perfect religion. Let's support, not drag down, each other.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog! So heartfelt! Lucky daughters to have you!!
This made me think of a new series one of my blogs I follow is doing. She just started it. It's called Mommy Wars. It's about how we have all been judged and most of us (those who will admit) have judged other moms at some point. You can check it out here: http://rediscoveringdomesticity.com/category/life/parenting-life/mommy-wars-parenting-life/
ReplyDeleteI admit that I tend to get into my own world and think it's the best way, but really, it's about each of us finding what's best for us. Not for anyone else. I appreciate your post, and I give you kudos for being brave enough to stand up and say something about it.
I agree!!!! I know everyone's parenting style differs, mine and my husband's differ a lot, but it is all about compromise (we are trying to work on that!).
ReplyDeleteI am not and will never be the cloth diaper mom. It's just not for me and neither is making my own baby food. I breast fed, but I don't ever push that on anyone else.
You are a wonderful mom, Mandy! Little M & Baby C are so lucky to have you as their mother. :)
BTW, I nominated you for a blog award over at my blog, because you ARE one of my favorite mom bloggers!
great post! i have had one just like this up my sleeve for so long.. because you're right.. it's like you either co-sleep or you don't. or breastfeed or don't. and THAT alone decides your parenting style. it's so untrue. there's so many different facets of motherhood! you don't need to feel like you need to be completely "one way" or "the other!" that's the great thing about being a parent. it gives you the right and the responsibility to choose what is right for YOU and respect what is right for OTHERS :)
ReplyDeleteHonestly??? THIS POST IS AMAZING!!! I'm seriously, no joke, 100% the same way. There was not one bullet point that you said that I wasn't nodding my head too and saying amen and I'm the same way!. SO GLAD YOU WROTE THIS! We are like the same person and this makes me like you even more :)
ReplyDeleteHallelujah to "laid back and fun but stict at times parenting" is what I would call it :)
Yes, thank you! As a child psychologist I am all about attachment styles..but as a new mom? I do what works best for us. I don't judge anyone - well unless you are openly yelling at and spanking your child in a store because lord knows if you can do that in public you do way more in private.
ReplyDeleteBut let me just say I agree with and do about 90% of the things you listed. Only exceptions? I work outside of the home full time and am pumping - oh - and Savannah does not sleep 12 hours a night, I am SO jealous of that! Granted she can do 6-8 hour stretches before eating:-) I knew I would like your post!
Also, just like AP said I don't think one thing you choose to do decides your style. I prefer to think that I parent by attachment parenting - because in my clinical mind - this means that my child has a strong attachment to me and knows that I (and her daddy) will meet all her needs. She cries I try to figure out what she needs, she coos I coo back, blah blah blah. I know she has a strong attachment to us as parents already...and to say that because I give her bottles of breast milk, don't cloth diaper, co sleep, etc means I don't follow attachment parenting? That just seems weird to me:-)
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, for writing this. I 100000000% agree with you on everything you said.
ReplyDeleteWho the heck cares how you parent YOUR child. As long as they are happy & healthy? Keep doing what you're doing. :)
Something that I think is important to remember to is: FLEXIBILITY. You may have some notion of how you think you're going to handle different situations, or the "rules" you are going to have as you become a parent, but I have found that every kid is different, and as the mom it is your job to parent the child you have, not the one you thought you'd have. Trusting my gut has honestly been the best, hardest value that has guided my parenting.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, to encourage one another as moms along this journey, not judge or ostracize because of the decisions that are made within a family! We need each other, we need the community and we need it be a blend of all sorts of styles.
Thanks, again, Mandy, for being straightforward and honest.
I absolutely love this post! Thank you for being so open and reminding so many that we are all different so therefor we will have different parenting styles. I was judged on my blog not to long ago for spanking my child. Yes, I spank but not beat. Huge difference and just because I do does not make me a worse parent that someone who does not, because we are all individuals and we make the decisions to parent "our way" because we feel it is best for our kids. Thank you again for posting this, I was so excited to read it whenever you mentioned it on twitter!
ReplyDeletethe list you made? Every single thing my parents did too! From time-outs to nothing really organic. I think I turned out pretty swell :)
ReplyDeleteAnd a kid that doesn't cry or terrors? Don't believe it. Just my opinion.
great post.
Hi there! I'm new to your blog :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting post today as I was just talking to my husband about a lot of the "wars" that happen in blog-world. I consider myself an "attachment parent", but could kind of care less about a label. I guess I just call it that because it's a good way for me to describe my general parenting style. That said, I don't think it's an all or nothing thing. To me, it's not so much action (baby-wearing, co-sleeping, etc.) as it is a mindset. To me, it's responding to your child's needs quickly and in an empathetic fashion. So I guess, in some ways, it's excluding certain actions (or inactions) such as letting a baby cry it out. I think the thing about attachment parents that maybe rubs others the wrong way is how adamant we can be about something being "the right way" to do something. And it comes across as judgemental. Of course, I can only speak for me, but when I post something about how wonderful something like babywearing is, it's because I've done a lot of research about it and I care about others--not only do I know it's one of the safest ways to transport a baby around when done correctly, it's something my baby and I really enjoy so I want/hope others enjoy it too. Does that make sense? And of course, I understand that not EVERYONE will enjoy babywearing.
Another thing I think gets the AP community fired up is when parents are given advice that we KNOW is bad. I know for a fact that scheduling feedings for a newborn is bad. It's especially bad for the breastfeeding relationship because breastfeeding works on the law of supply and demand--the more you nurse, the more abundant your supply. So unfortunately, a lot of new mothers who are told to schedule feedings end up with an inadequate supply which can be heartbreaking for someone who really wanted to breastfeed. Same thing for those thoughts behind "spoiling" a baby or babies being "manipulators". My baby can barely figure out how to put her hand in her mouth, there's no way she knows how to manipulate me, lol. So it's sad when we hear about a mom who really has all the best intentions in mind, but is being given damaging advice.
Anyway, thanks for bringing up this topic! It's important and I think more moms should try to focus on helping and supporting each other, rather than judging each other.
(P.S. CUTE BABIES!)
I hear ya!
ReplyDeleteWe've done somethings from column A, some things from column B and then some things that are just us. We do what works best for our little family.
A lot of people have questioned Little Man's bedtime being so late, but given me and hubby's schedules, it works for us. Hubby and I are both night owls - hubby works a 3rd shift job in addition to a day job. Monday-Thursday he's home in the evening from 6/7pm-945 which is really the only time Little Man gets to see his daddy those days. Putting him to bed at 6pm makes no sense for us because then he'd only see his daddy on the weekends. Plus, I'm a night owl as well and I hate falling asleep without hubby home so I often wait up for him to get home at 330am.
We start getting Little Man ready for bed at 1045pm (or a little earlier on bath nights) and he goes down in his crib by 1130pm, whether he's calm and tired or not. And he usually sleeps a good 10-12hrs straight, waking up between 930am & 11am. Which works for us, as I'm sooo not a morning person. Plus when I work the closing shift during the week this means I still get to put him to bed.
He's only 7 months old now, as he gets older obviously we'll adjust his schedule and move bedtime up. But for now, this is what works for us. And I hate when people question it or think we're nuts for letting him stay up that late (yet these are the same people complaining about their babies getting up at 5/6am - it's logic, if you want them to sleep later, put them to bed later - they'll still sleep a good 10-12 hours straight!)
And that's my rant, lol...